I Do Not Need a Hero
by McNewbie
Summary: Over five years after the Seattle Grace Prom, Meredith Grey is living in Boston. She's kept in contact with her friends, especially Cristina, but as her hours increase at Massachusetts General, she begins to find that other important aspects of her life are falling by the wayside. That's when she realizes that if she wants to move forward, she's going to have to face her past.
1. Chapter 1

Meredith Grey hadn't been feeling well since Monday, when she had woken up with a splitting headache, achy muscles and the desire to never leave her bed again. By Thursday, these symptoms had morphed into a rising fever and an upset stomach severe enough to make the thought of eating anything impossible. She was sitting crossed legged on the floor of the locker room, leaning forward slightly as it seemed to be helping her stomach settle, and chasing a few ibuprofen tablets with long swigs from a half-empty bottle of Pepto-Bismol. She held her cellphone in her slightly clammy free hand and moaned in misery into the receiver. "Cristina? Cristina this is awful and horrible and I need to whine to someone before my head explodes."

"This is why you should just move back to Seattle, then you could bitch to me about your tummy-ache in person." Meredith snorted a little, unable to help herself. The awkward motion made her head feel worse. She wiped the sweat off of her forehead with a dirty pair of scrubs and pressed the phone more tightly to her ear, afraid it might slip out of sweaty fingers.

"Don't give me that. I'm your person. I know you, and I know you would never intentionally expose yourself to anything that might force you to take twenty minutes off of work," Meredith replied, she leaned back a little against the cold metal lockers and braced herself for another wave of nausea. She heard Cristina scoff.

"You could bitch to me from the other side of a closed door," Cristina replied. "I thought that was a given. I'm not stupid enough to have a face to face heart to heart with Typhoid Meredith right before I go into surgery." Meredith switched the phone to her other ear, trying again to get comfortable.

"I need help. Decision help. If I haven't actually vomited is it okay to go into surgery? I'm supposed to be on an abnormal appendectomy." She heard Cristina laugh and it made her smile a little. "The guy has appendicitis…in two separate appendices. Cristina stopped laughing instantly.

"Mer, you have to see that. You have to do the surgery and tell me why and how this guy has two inflamed appendices. I need you to do this for me. Mind over matter, you aren't sick. You're strong." Meredith leaned back again and took another swig of her bottle of Pepto.

"Yeah, okay. I will. I just…mind over matter," she took a deep breath. "I have to go Cristina. I'll tell you all about it once the house finally quiets down, so I guess about 7pm your time?" Cristina said ne last goodbye and Meredith hung up the phone. She carefully slid it back into her bag and just looked up at the ceiling for a few moments before getting up.

She took one last long drink of the smooth pink liquid and put it carefully back into her locker, next to her bag for heading out the door and towards OR 3. The lights seemed a little brighter than usual, and the little flecks of color in the floor were making her a little bit dizzy. She looked away from the floor and focused her thoughts on the appendectomy. This was probably going to be the least boring appendectomy she would ever preform and by god she was going to enjoy it.

By the two-hour mark however, she wasn't enjoying it too much. The hour allotted had dragged on into two, and was now nearing three, yet the surgical team still wasn't finished. The man was quite a bit heavier than anticipated, and trying to move and cut through the extra layers of fat had taken a while. On top of that, one of the appendices was in imminent danger of bursting, but its proximity to a prominent vein was worrying, and extra precautions had to be taken to get around it. This is what Meredith was focused on while she tried to tune out one of her interns asking if she needed a break. "Uh, Dr. Grey? I don't want to bother you but you look kind of pale, do you need some water or something?" Meredith didn't even bother looking up at the girl who had spoken, quietly telling her that she was fine. The lights in the OR were usually helpful, but Meredith could feel the heat on the back of her neck and swallowed roughly.

It took another twenty minutes before the surgery was finally completed, and Meredith stepped back to allow an intern to finish up closing the epidermis. As soon as the patient was handed off to the post-op team to be wheeled into recovery, Meredith stumbled into the scrub room and slid down to the floor, taking a few deep breaths to steady herself before slowly rising to her feet again and scrubbing out. She removed her mask and gown before moving to her cap and gloves. The cool water felt wonderful on her hands and she considered splashing some on her face for a moment before deciding against it. As she turned to dry her hands another wave of nausea hit her and she emptied her stomach into the trash can where she'd just thrown her soiled gloves.

She quickly looked around, relieved no one had seen it happen. She had moved here to avoid being treated like a kicked puppy, and she wasn't about to give that up for the title of 'Meredith, the poor, sick, resident.' She wiped her mouth and in doing so caught a glimpse of the clock. It was 5:30pm. Meredith bolted up, ignoring her stomach gurgling in protest. Up until this point she had been blissfully unaware of the time it had taken to complete the surgery. She pulled at the door handle, feeling slightly guilty about leaving her mess in the trash can of the scrub room, but the trip to the locker room seemed long enough even without a trip to maintenance to sheepishly explain the issue.

She gathered her things as quickly as possible, not even bothering to change out of her sweaty scrubs and into the clothes she had brought for herself. She shoved her car keys into the front pocket of her worn blue top and took another long sip of the Pepto-Bismol she'd left in her locker. The walk back to her car was tortuous, and, while she'd felt way too hot in the operating room, the December air made her feeling like her skin was burning in an entirely different way. The slushy snow was seeping into her worn sneakers, wetting her socks and numbing her feet.

As soon as she reached her car, she reached into her bag for her phone, fumbling around with several different objects before finding it. She dialed the number by heart, and took a deep breath, hoping the person on the other end would pick up. "Hello?" The woman's voice was familiar and clear, but obviously tinged with a bit of annoyance. Meredith closed her eyes tightly and rubbed her temples.

"I'm on my way. I got tied up in surgery again. I know it's the second time this week, but I really appreciate your extra help," Meredith said, trying to ignore how tired she sounded. She didn't want pity, she just wanted some understanding. "I'll be on time tomorrow; you have my word."

"Do remember that if you're late for a third time you will be required to pay double the regular overtime fee," the woman said, then hung up. Meredith shoved the phone into her bag, irritated. It wasn't the woman's fault, but it was much easier to be irritated at one person than to be irritated about vague hours that came along with her chosen career. She started the car and leaned back for a moment, hoping that the returning nausea would leave her alone until she got home.

By the time Meredith pulled into the parking lot, the dim nearly burnt-out clock on the dashboard of her car told her it was nearing 6pm. The road was covered in the same dirty grey snow as the hospital parking lot, run over by countless busses and cars throughout the day. It was already dark out, so she tried to park near a light post so she could see enough to get her keys. As she stepped out of the car again she was reminded of the fact she didn't have any boots, and the sudden rush of cold made her feel even worse. As she approached the door of the building, she could see motion behind the brightly printed words on the door, proudly proclaiming that this was "The Boston School for Science." Underneath these letters, "K-5" was printed in smaller, even brighter text. Underneath those letters were the imprints of two small faces pressed against the glass. Before she had the door half open she was hit by two little bodies, one at her right side and one at her left. She nearly gagged, but instead bent down and hugged the two children tightly to her chest. "There are my boys. I missed you so much." Meredith could see the boys' after-school program director glaring at her from over the mess of black hair and the two big red jackets. "I'm so sorry Miss Whitmore. How much extra do I owe you this time?" Miss Whitmore took a long, deep breath.

"Fifty dollars," she said finally. "Meredith, if you can't be here on time to pick them up, we are going to have to kick your sons out of the after school program. Perhaps you should hire a nanny to pick them up from school?" Meredith winced. Nannies were expensive, and she was already stretching herself thin by sending the boys to a private school. She really didn't want to force them to switch schools. They were comfortable, and she had been told by countless other doctors at Massachusetts General Hospital that it was the best school in the area. Meredith was caught between wanting to push the boys away in fear she would vomit on them, and wanting to pull them closer to make sure they knew that she loved them and had missed them too.

"I-I'll be on time the rest of the week. I was just tied up in a tricky surgery today." She handed Miss Whitmore a few bills from her purse, then took a small hand into each of hers. Miss Whitmore's wrinkled lips formed a stern line but features were arranged in a manner that screamed pity. Meredith looked away as she was pulled towards the door. "I-I'm sorry. I really will be on time."

Between being pulled forward by both hands and the icy path under her feet, Meredith felt a bit like she was riding a ski-lift, something she was not at all okay with at the moment. "Slow down a little, it's icy," she instructed. She saw the devilish glint cross the big blue-green eyes of the boy on the right and before she was even able to say anything she was being pulled forward so hard that she slipped and fell forward onto the ice. She clutched her stomach again, trying to swallow back the bile in her throat. When she looked up the devilish look and been replaced with concern.

"Mommy? Are you okay? I didn't mean it!" He tried to grab Meredith's hand but she pushed him away as she began to heave, trying to ensure if she got sick it wouldn't be on her son. She could him crying and reached out for him again when she was sure the nausea had passed.

"Evan, Evan, I'm sorry, come here." Evan took a few tentative steps forward before stepping into his mother's arms as he continued to sob. "Shh, it's okay Ev, you didn't do anything wrong." She held out her other arm for her other little boy, who instantly took it.

"Miss Whitmore said that maybe you forgot us and went home. Did you forget me and Evan, mommy?" He began to tear up as well and Meredith brought him to her chest. She wanted to cry herself. She was their person and she hadn't been there for them.

"Zach honey, you listen to me okay?" The little boy nodded tearfully. "I love you and Evan more than anything in the world, and I would never ever forget about you." She held them both tightly as they cried. She had been recently given an intern class and her hours had gotten consistently higher and higher despite her requests to cut back to where she had been before. Dr. Jonas wasn't Dr. Webber. Dr. Jonas didn't give anyone special treatment especially members of staff that asked for things like extra time off, and he certainly didn't view Meredith like a daughter. "I'm going to figure all of this out," she murmured, more to herself than to either of her sons. "I can make this work."

Meredith kissed both of their heads than stood up slowly. "Do you boys know what you want for dinner? We can go and pick up some food from anywhere you want to, just this once." Zach kicked a chunk of ice lightly while he thought for a moment while his brother's forehead wrinkled in concentration.

"Chicken nuggets," Evan finally said, "from the red store by the houses with the big rocks." Zach nodded in agreement and Meredith was relieved that for once they both agreed on something. She smiled and nodded, as she helped each of her sons into their booster seats. Fast food wasn't anything they had often, but she felt too ill to really cook and she knew how much Zach and Evan loved it on the special occasions when they were allowed to have it.

By the time they arrived at the drive-thru, the two little boys in the backseat seemed to have gotten some of their energy back. Meredith put a hand firmly over her mouth when she got a jarring kick to the back of her seat. He heard a little giggle and another kick followed. "Zach, no kicking," she pleaded, too exhausted to really reprimand him.

"I'm doing running practice mom! I'm too slow to run to first base and be in so I have to get faster," he explained. Meredith looked at him in the rear view mirror. His dark curls were almost covering his eyes. He definitely needed a haircut next time she had a day off. He needed a trip to the gym when she had time so he could blow off some steam. He needed to see his mom for more than a view hours in between dinner and bedtime. Meredith tried to close out the nausea and swirling thoughts, she really did, but before she knew it her head was leaning out the window and she was retching.

"Do you need to go to the doctor mom?" Evan asked worriedly. "We don't have to get chicken nuggets; we can go to the doctor right now." Meredith turned to look at her son, concern etched on his features. This shouldn't be his problem. He's six years old, he's still so young.

"I'm okay Evan, I just need to take some medicine and I'll be all better. Remember last week when you had the flu and it was really icky but then it went away? That's what I have now." Zach peeked over the seat to look at his mother.

"I'm sorry you got sick. It hurted really bad when I was sick," he told his mother. "Do you need some water and a story? Stories make me feel better." Meredith turned and grabbed her son's hand tightly.

"I'm okay Zach, but thank you for being so nice to me. You too Ev." Meredith felt even worse when she reached for the fast food as the smell was driving her insane. "Keep your bags closed at wait until you get home to eat okay?"

The car ride home wasn't as bad as Meredith had been anticipating, and her sons had been a lot quieter than they usually were as they had just had what Meredith had and knew how bad it was. She was able to get them both tucked into bed in their little bedroom in their apartment an hour earlier than she'd anticipated, and despite her exhaustion, she decided to call Cristina.

The phone only rang twice before Cristina picked up, and Meredith had to turn the volume down a few notches to not exacerbate her headache. "Meredith, tell me all about the surgery. How long did it take? Did anything burst? What was all abnormal?"

"Cristina, I'm a horrible mother and I think my kids hate me," she blurted, taking a shaky breath as she tried to compose herself enough to sound somewhat normal and less crazy than she figured she was coming off.

"Meredith, your kids don't hate you. They are kids, okay? Surgery details, please. I've been dying to hear about this all day! Do you think his risk of infection is at all increased?" She wanted to throw the phone for a moment.

"Cristina, right now I need my person Cristina, not my fellow surgeon Cristina," she said quietly, swallowing back a near sob. "I really, really think my kids are going to hate me. I'm turning into my mother and I hated my mother."

"Your mother was a great surgeon, and you turned out okay so is it really all that bad? If your kids grow up to be great surgeons than you've done a great job. So what if they drink a little tequila to forget the past!" Meredith began to rub her temples.

"Haha, that's funny. Cristina I was late again today and Zach asked me if I forgot him at daycare. My 6-year-old son, who I love very much, thinks that he's so unimportant in my life that I just forget about him," Meredith said, her voice finally breaking. "I can't get a break. We're short staffed and Dr. Jonas is pushing me into doing over 80 hours a week. I drop my kids off at 6am, come get them at 6pm, and on the weekends I have to leave them with a babysitter. I just found out yesterday that Evan lost his first tooth three months ago."

"Well then maybe you should just come back to Seattle where you have friends that care about you and a chief of medicine that would do almost anything for you! I know you want to be all super dignified non-homewrecking mom but if it's not working it's not working."

"Cristina, am I being selfish," she asked quietly. "Just be honest with me, spare my dignity."

"Yeah, Meredith, you are. A few years ago, when you had a more consistent schedule, you could handle your kids on your own. You have more hours now, and now you can't. You need help and you have it back here in Seattle. Izzie? She loves kids. I can even tolerate kids once they're potty-trained. It's been almost seven years Meredith; I don't even think most of the nurses remember all the homewrecker gossip."

"What about Derek? Does Derek still work there?"

"Where else would he go? Addison still works here and for some crazy reason they're still being miserable together rather than being slightly less miserable apart. He asks about you sometimes; he'll give me access to insane surgeries for just one little question."

"You don't answer him do you? Cristina, tell me you don't answer him!"

"Of course I do! I want the surgeries, but don't worry, from what I've told him you practice in small hospital in the Yukon region of Canada and spend your nights with a new handsome foreign man every night. Oh, and you've written a novel that's only available in French coffee shops."

"Cristina! That doesn't even sound believable!"

"He's desperate enough to believe it okay, I might have taken advantage just a little bit."

"Okay, okay, I'll think about it. I have to talk to Zach and Evan and my landlord and Chief Webber and probably even Dr. Jonas, but if I have to come back to Seattle, then I will. Just don't tell anyone, okay, and don't hold me to it!" Meredith hung up without even saying goodbye, more absently than purposely. This wasn't the kind of decision that was to be made when the decision maker was exhausted, sick, and slightly emotional.

 **A quick couple of notes:**

 **First of all, does anyone know how to indent in the document editor? Whenever I would save the file all of my indents would disappear and it looks awful without them.**

 **Secondly, this is all I have written of this story, it's more of a pitch to see if in garners any interest. Please leave any comments, constructive, positive or otherwise if you enjoyed this preview or have a suggestion on how it could be improved.**

 **Thirdly, I was possibly going to look into getting a beta reader, so if you may be interested check back for updates.**

 **-A**


	2. Chapter 2

_When Meredith opened her eyes, she was on a train platform, with no recollection of how she had managed to get there. Her thin grey t-shirt didn't do much to keep her warm, and the flannel pants she had on were frayed so much that for a moment she had been worried she hadn't been wearing anything at all. She stood up slowly and took inventory of her surroundings. The platform ended maybe 100 feet from her position on both her left and right side, but a set of tracks extended far beyond this point. She couldn't see any stairs leading up or down from her location, and there didn't seem to be anything but darkness below the platform where she was standing. She leaned forward a little to look further, and caught a glimpse of something down the tracks, something so far away she could hardly even make out what it was. She carefully walked to the extreme end of the platform, and the little speck became two puffy dots of red. Winter coats. "Zach? Evan?" She called out anxiously._

 _She could see the two specs rise, then come a little closer. When they had come just close enough for Meredith to make out their features, the one on the left spoke. "Who are you?" It was Evan. She could tell even from a distance. Evan's hair tended to stick up a little more, and he talked a little faster, at least Meredith thought so. No one else ever seemed to notice. She waved a hand in their direction._

 _"Evan, it's me. It's your mom!" She called out. "Come back here, it's not safe on the tracks!" She thought she could possibly hear something in the distance, and she began to panic. "Please, come here!" She moved her foot forward to take a step onto the tracks, choosing to step in the middle in hopes if she fell she'd be too big to fall in between the slats. The red coats began to back away again, and Meredith took another few steps._

 _"Go away! We don't know you!" Zach this time. He seemed to be glowing a little, getting a little brighter. Meredith heard a deafening horn and watched in horror as a bright light appeared behind her boys, the light growing bigger as the seconds ticked by. Meredith began to sob as she sprinted towards the train, towards her sons._

 _"Stop! Oh god stop! I can't…you can't…stop the train I can't live without them!" Her foot slipped and she was falling into the dark. She felt raindrops begin to fall on her face while she fell, drenching her whole body. She was drowning and then…_

Meredith woke up completely drenched in sweat, her pajamas sticking to her uncomfortably. She gagged, rolled over, and threw up into the trashcan next to her bed before beginning to sob uncontrollably. It was just a fever dream, she'd had them before, and yet none of the previous dreams left her gasping for air like this one had. She had to see them, just to make sure they were still there. Her sweat soaked blankets clung to her, and the struggle to peel them off of her sent her further into her tailspin. By the time she finally got herself free, she was having trouble breathing. She knew she was hyperventilating, but she couldn't make it stop. The bedroom was pitch black, and stumbling towards the door proved to be quite difficult, but the hallway lights were on, just as they always were, lighting her way to the solid door of her boys' bedroom. She pulled it open, trying to be as quiet as possible.

The clock on Zach's nightstand flashed 1:02am, the red glow of the numbers illuminating his face in red. Illuminating his small features just has the train's headlight behind him had. On the other side of the room, Evan's lamp was on, just as it always was. He was laying on his stomach with the blankets pulled up over his mess of black curls. He had a book held open by one of his hands along the bottom of the spine. She guessed it to be Swindle, as he'd been reading it again for the past few days. When he'd taken a reading placement test at the beginning of the year, his first grade teacher had called her and told her that she wanted to have him try to read off of the fifth grade book list. He had counted down the list and spelled out his name E-v-a-n G-r-e-y, and picked the book his finger was on when he called out the letter 'Y'. The book had been Swindle, and four months later he was reading it for the third time.

"Evan," she whispered, "why aren't you asleep?" She took a few steps and sat down on the edge of his bed. He set the book down on his pillow and sat up slowly, making sure to keep the blanket wrapped around him. Zach stirred on the other side of the little room and let out a single snore, but he didn't wake up.

"I was reading about the heist again," he told her matter of factly, his voice on the verge of being too loud. "I wish I had an inventor dad like Griffin does in the book. He could invent me something cool like a time machine or something. Then I could go and see the dinosaurs." Meredith paled. It wasn't like her sons had never made a comment about having a father before, but it never got any easier.

"There aren't any time machines yet, but we could go to the library sometime and find some dinosaur books if you want to read about them," Meredith offered lamely. Evan sighed and closed his book, then reached between his bed and the wall and pulled out a few brightly colored books.

"You got me a lot of dinosaur books for my birthday and I read them. I don't want to read about any more dinosaurs I want to have a dad that takes me to somewhere where there are real dinosaur bones," he said looking down at the books in his hands. "My friend CJ's dad takes him to go see dinosaur bones."

Meredith inhaled shakily. "I have to ask you boys about something," she said, keeping her voice down as to not unnecessarily awake Zach. "I want you to think about what I say, and I'll ask Zach in the morning okay?" Evan nodded, his interest peaked in what his mother was about to say to him. "Evan, I'm thinking about moving us all back to Seattle. I have a big house there, and friends, and my old job."

Evan looked at Meredith intently. "But mommy, my friends live here in Boston. My school is in Boston and I have this house here. I don't want to leave," he said quietly. "I like Boston." Meredith bit her lip hard, considering what she should say next.

"Evan, if we move to Seattle, and I have my old job, I can be home a lot more. We can do more as a family, you, me and Zach. We could ride the ferry boats, and go to the park. There's even a museum just for kids." Evan twisted his hands together, lost in thought once again.

"Are there any dinosaur bones in Seattle?" he asked.

"Yeah, there is a museum with a big area with all types of dinosaurs in it bud. I promise I'll take you to see them as soon as we get there, if you decided you want to go." Meredith watched as her son's face lit up. He was definitely interested.

"If you lived in Seattle before, does that mean that my dad lives in Seattle?" he asked, getting a little too excited. His raised voice caused Zach to sit up sleepily and rub his eyes. Meredith was grateful that Zach had woken up, even though she felt a little guilty about it.

"Zach buddy, you can go back to sleep if you want to. It's very early," Meredith told her sleepy six-year-old. Zach just shook his head and stood up, walking to sit next to his mom on the side of Evan's bed, his blanket still wrapped around him. He cuddled into her side sleepily and Meredith put an arm around him and kissed the dark curls covering his forehead.

"Zachy, mom wants us to move to Seattle and I think our daddy lives there," Evan said, pulling back the blankets surrounding Zach's head so he could whisper in his ear. Meredith didn't think she was intended to hear this, but Evan was never very good at whispering. Zach's eyebrows furrowed.

"We don't have a daddy Evan," he said matter-of-factly. "There are no pictures of him and he doesn't have a name." Evan scoffed and put his hands on Zach's shoulders so his brother would be forced to listen to him.

"Maybe there are no pictures of him but there are no pictures of our brains either and those are real. Plus, he does have a name. His name is Leonardo, like the ninja turtle. I decided." Zach looked at his brother incredulously, then at his mother.

"Do we have a daddy named Leonardo?" He asked her. Meredith felt ill again, but she was fairly sure this had nothing to do with her current ailment. She had no idea what to say to them. Her mind was blank on the lie front, and there was no way in hell she was going to tell her sons that they were the accidental result of her illicit affair with a married man. However, they'd been asking about their father more and more frequently, and it was getting more and more difficult to change the subject.

"Evan," she said softly, her voice sounding foreign to her own ears as she tried to block out all of the thoughts coming at her from every which way. "Why don't you tell Zach about Seattle?" Meredith was completely zoned out as Evan began taking.

 _Meredith was sitting on her bed, head in her hands. Cristina gracelessly sat down next to her and Meredith looked up at her, face drained of all color. "Cristina, I don't think I can do this. The timer went off three minutes ago and I physically cannot get off this bed. My legs won't work." Cristina looked her person up and down. She'd seen Meredith looking various levels of terrible before. Before this particular moment, she thought the saddest and most pathetic she'd ever seen her person look was a few months ago, when she had had so much tequila she had just stayed on the bathroom floor from the time she woke up until dinner time that evening. She looked just as bad physically, but she was giving off a vibe that just screamed fear._

" _Meredith," Cristina finally started, "you better get your ass up because I am not going to go in there and touch your nasty pee stick. I draw the line at pee sticks." She put a hand on Meredith's back and pushed her forward. "Come on, maybe it's negative. Then you can relax." Meredith took a deep breath. Cristina was right, it was probably negative. It was just that once time at prom, other than that, she was totally celibate. She was making a sweater. She stood up shakily._

" _You're right. It was just one time," she said, trying to convince herself more than anything else. Still, she paused when she got to the door. "Cristina, what do I do if it's positive? I'm not good at coping without tequila and I can't drink tequila if It's positive!" Cristina shrugged._

" _Does that mean you're planning on, you know, birthing it?" Meredith looked down at the floor. There was a scratch right by the bathroom door she'd caused as a little girl. The wood warped slightly around the single deep scratch. She'd tripped over a dip in the wood while trying to walk in a pair of her mother's high heels. The heel of the left shoe had dug into the floor, then broken off._

 _Meredith didn't answer her. She pulled open the door and positioned herself in front of the counter, eyes closed, while Cristina stood right outside. Meredith forced her eyes open and looked down at the stick. Two lines, two bold lines, that could in no way be interpreted as one. Her vision blurred over with tears and she sat down on the toilet seat, head in her hands. Cristina knocked on the door before entering._

" _Oh shit Mer," she said, looking from the test to her friend. She took a seat on the floor next to her and awkwardly patted Meredith's back as she continued to cry. Meredith looked up at her, eyes red and puffy._

" _I can't tell Derek," she said quietly. All she could think about was her baby, wrapped in her arms as she dropped him or her off for the weekend at Derek and Addison's pretty house they would build. Derek, Addison, and her baby would be a perfect bright and shiny family, and eventually her baby wouldn't even want to come home with her at all. Her child would go and live with Derek and Addison, and Addison would replace her as her baby's mother. "I have to leave, go back to Boston maybe…I just can't tell Derek."_

"Mom?" Evan was pulling at her sleeve roughly, trying to get her attention. Meredith looked around for a moment before her gaze found him. "Zach and I decided that we want to go to Seattle," he paused for a moment, "but, only if, only if you promise to be home for more than only dinner time and we can have a dog."

"Also, I won't move if there is no baseball teams," Zach added. "And there has to be a swimming pool in Seattle with water that is deep so I can jump in it and swim for real." Meredith smiled a little at her boys' requests.

"There are definitely baseball teams in Seattle, and a pool with a deep end, and yes, my house in Seattle is big enough for a dog, but I want to get an older one so it doesn't pee on the floor." Her sons grinned, their smiles nearly identical, barring the gap Evan had from his missing tooth.

"Are we going to go very soon?" Zach asked. Meredith thought about this for a moment. She definitely had to put in her two weeks, and talk to Richard about her old job in Seattle. In three weeks it would be Christmas, and Meredith rather liked the idea of spending the holidays in her home in Seattle, which was large enough to put an actual tree in, something that she didn't really care about, but would make her boys happy.

"I think we'll go in two weeks, when your winter break starts from school." That would be an issue too, finding a school nearby that would take two first graders on such short notice. "For now though, I think it's time for all three of us to go back to bed." The boys protested, but it didn't take too long to get them back into their beds. She tucked them both in and turned Evan's lamp down a little so it wasn't quite so bright.

"Good night Zach. Good night Evan," she said quietly, before closing the door to their room once more. She followed the hallway lights back into her room and laid back down.

She made a plan to sell her car. It was old enough that she knew there was no way in would make it all the way to Seattle. She'd have to get a moving truck. They could sell plenty of their things before they moved. Meredith had furniture at her house in Seattle, there was no point in paying extra for a larger truck to haul dressers, dining tables, bed frames and the like all the way there. She'd already have to spend thousands, especially to pay a company to drive the truck. There was no way she felt comfortable driving a moving van, and the thought of being crammed into a truck with her two rambunctious six-year-olds for days on end didn't sound anything she wanted to do. They could fly instead, it would only take around 7 hours, and then they would be in Seattle.

It was a little odd, picturing her children playing in the same places she had as a child. She could already see them there, standing in the foyer. Evan would go up to everything, exploring every last inch of the house while Zach run upstairs to see what his new bedroom looked like. They could paint one of the guest rooms whichever color they wanted, and they'd have a yard to play in. She could see Zach's hair whipping around in the breeze on the ferry as he excitedly talked about what his new school would be like, and Evan's eyes scanning all over the people on the deck and the Pacific Ocean below them.

They would love Izzie. Maybe they would help her bake on rainy days or maybe they would just wait around for the cookies or muffins or cakes to be done. Then there was Alex, he was definitely good with kids. She had a feeling that her boys, especially Zach, would take a liking to him. She could charge them less rent, just because the house would be a bit nosier, and they'd have to be cognizant of the fact that there were young children around, but they could work it out.

Of course, she would have to inform her old roommates that she would be coming home, and break the news to them that she would be bringing the two children with her that they knew existed but hadn't actually met in person. That however, was a problem for tomorrow.

 **So there you have it, chapter two. It was more of a filler chapter, and chapter three will likely be longer and more interesting. I am incredibly grateful for the overwhelmingly positive response to the first chapter, and hope this second chapter met your expectations. I am considering inserting several more flashbacks throughout this work, so if you as a reader have any strong feelings either way about this, don't hesitate to let me know. Once again, any feedback would be much appreciated!**

 **-A**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello readers, I am still overwhelmed with the positive response IDNNH has been receiving! I do try and update as often as I can, but I am very busy with school. A few people have asked me when there will be MerDer scenes. Derek will be introduced soon, but do not expect any fluffy or happy MerDer scenes for a while. They will end up together but they have a** _ **lot**_ **to get through first.**

 **TRIGGER WARNING: For mentions of miscarriage and discussion of fetal loss during this chapter. This occurs during a flashback and the scene is in** _ **italics**_ **if you believe this may upset you, please skip this chapter or the section in italics.**

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Flying to Boston nearly seven years ago had been stressful, yes, but Meredith had been by herself. The flight had been over six hours long, and she'd had horrible morning sickness that morning. It was so bad that the man with the aisle seat offered it to her so she could rush to the bathroom more easily. Back then, the hadn't known she'd be making the return flight with six-year-old twins.

Logan International Airport was large, crowded, and overall confusing and her boys wanted to explore. Every. Single. Inch. Before Meredith had even payed the cab driver upon their arrival, Evan and Zach were already trying to climb the concrete pillars in front of the entrance. She had gotten the twins to the ticket counter, but Evan had gotten very upset when they tried to take his bag as he was convinced an "airplane" robber would come and steal it. Once Meredith had opened his bag and pulled out his special blanket and his favorite Red Sox hat, he had been willing to hand it over, and they three finally made it to the security check point.

Meredith couldn't believe how fast they day of their departure had come up. Richard had been very willing to give Meredith back her residency position, even though she only had to finish one more year. She had no idea who her fellow residents would be. She'd had to take quite a lot of time off after she'd had Zach and Evan to recover. Their birth hadn't been at all easy on her body and her healing process took a backseat to the needs of her two newborns. She'd also found an elementary school that would take her boys, and had informed Izzie and Alex that she was going to be coming home. Alex had volunteered to move to the attic, knowing it would be quieter, and Izzie had cleaned up Meredith's old room and the boys' new room for them.

Now the only thing left to do was to actually get there. The security line was crawling and her six-year-olds were having trouble standing still when there was so much excitement going on around them, never mind all the looks they got. Meredith was never one to intentionally dress them alike, but she often bought two of everything to avoid fighting. If Zach got a dinosaur shirt and Evan didn't get the same one, it wouldn't be a pleasant scene. If Evan got a plain, boring, basic pair of white socks, Zach would be angry that he didn't get socks too. However, this morning, both of them had come out in a similar pair of jeans and identical airplane t-shirts.

They got stares normally, something about identical twins was more intriguing than Meredith understood, but dressed alike it was much worse. "Oh my goodness, look at all of those curls! They're twins aren't they?" An older woman behind Meredith cooed. She smiled stiffly.

"Yeah, they are," she answered politely. She was already stressed out enough without having to have the same conversation she'd had since the boys were born with yet another person. She was watching them closely, and they were beginning to drift further and further away from her. "Hey! Zachary, Evan, you boys stay here!"

They were playing a game that she'd seen them play before, but she never quite understood the rules to. It seemed like they were preforming something half trauma surgery and half flying a fighter jet. The continued to play this game all through the line, but stopped in front of the metal detectors.

"Mommy, is that a spaceship?" Evan asked curiously, eyeing the huge metal machine. Meredith laughed for the first time that day. All the stress of flying was getting to her, but her boys always managed to make it better.

"No Ev, it's a metal detector. You have to go through it to make sure you don't have anything in your pockets that is not allowed on the airplane." She smiled as she watched her sons stare at it in awe. They looked almost exactly like their father, but at least their eyes were her shade of blue-grey. They had her frame too, they probably weighed less than 90lbs between them, but they were a little taller than average as well, making finding clothes for them difficult.

The boys pulled their matching pairs of sneakers off when asked and put them in the little plastic bin provided, talking excitedly about the rolling belt that moved the bin along. "Oh, aren't they precious! Are they twins?" Meredith protectively grabbed the twins' hands and looked around for the voice. It was yet another woman, this time in her mid-forties.

"Yes, they are," Meredith said, before turning back to help each of her sons through the metal detectors. She passed through herself, then grabbed their shoes and bags, guiding the boys to a bench so they could all sit and put their shoes back on. They both had worn their black canvas shoes, but Meredith knew Zach's shoes had dirtier laces as he wouldn't take them off when walking through mud at the park like Evan would.

After a quick trip to the bathrooms, a lunch consisting of dry sandwich wraps and juice boxes, and a half hour spent on the moving walkways at the boys' request, the Greys finally arrived at their gate A13. Meredith pulled out the Nintendo handhelds she'd gotten for them for their sixth birthday two months ago and handed them to Zach and Evan's eager hands.

Meredith pulled out her phone so she could call Alex to tell him they were going to be flying out in a half an hour, but Zach distracted her. "Mommy, can you tell Evan that I get to be Yoshi? I am always Yoshi and he's trying to be him. He's my guy!" Evan made a face.

"No. Zach always wins when he has Yoshi and it's not fair! I want to be Yoshi this time! Zach is mean and he never ever shares!" Meredith put her finger over her lips, signaling both boys to quiet down.

"How about neither of you use Yoshi for the first round, and whoever wins gets Yoshi first. Then you have to trade." The boys agreed and went back to excitedly playing their game. Meredith had become a professional mediator in the past few years, and it came in handy often. She dialed Alex's number, relieved when he picked up.

"Hi Alex, we're at the airport right now. I think we'll be there around 9pm, so can you be at the airport by then to pick us up?" Meredith asked him. She could hear Alex laughing a little and raised an eyebrow. "What's so funny?"

"Iz, George, and I are picturing you sitting in a crowded airport gate while your kids are running around in circles all around the place," he admitted, still laughing. "They're both here right now, Iz and George are on call, but they're really hoping they don't get called in."

"I'm excited to see my nephews in person!" Izzie called from the background. Meredith smiled a little. She was pretty excited to see her friends again, even if that meant she might cross paths with Derek and Addison every once and a while.

"They…they look a lot like him," Meredith admitted. "Both of them have the hair." She looked over at the twins, who were still engrossed in their game. They both needed a haircut, especially Zach, as his hair had a tendency to fall over his eyes. "They're identical. I don't know if I ever told you that. Evan's got a Red Sox hat on. Just so you know, they both hate it when you call them by the wrong names."

"If they look that much alike you might as well just glue a hat to his head. Not the Sox one though, I've got a spare Mariners hat around here somewhere." Alex mused.

"Good luck with that one. At their end of year tee-ball team party their coach had on a Red Sox games, and now it's all Sox everything." Meredith said, stifling a laugh when both boys perked their ears up upon hearing the name of their favorite team. Suddenly, she heard the first boardings being called. "Alex, I have to go. Remember, 9pm."

"9pm," Alex verified, "good luck with the flight." Meredith thanked him and put her phone away, checking their tickets again to see when they were supposed to be boarding. As soon as their row was called, Zach and Evan bounced excitedly to the gate, Meredith not far behind.

The boys were thrilled to see the inside of the plane, and Meredith had to explain that they couldn't sit in the big seats of front because they already had assigned seats. She herded them towards the back of the plane, and explained that, as it was Zach's turn to be first, he got the window seat for half the flight, then they would switch. Zach eagerly climbed into the seat, Evan took the middle, and Meredith took the aisle seat.

She had to help them buckle in, as they never seen the type of seatbelts they were now faced with. Zach took a deep breath in and blew it out on the window so he could draw a smiley face, while Evan pulled down the trey and put it back up again several times. Even if they were both a bit tall for six year olds, neither of them could touch the ground with their feet.

She'd always seen airplane seats as being small, but now, noticing Zach only took up half of the seat and the very top of Evan's head didn't even reach the headrest, they seemed a lot bigger. They had never been on a plane before, at least not as two fully developed people. She didn't count her flight to Boston, as she'd only been two months pregnant.

She'd already been showing enough that people had noticed. For the first few weeks she'd convinced herself it was food poisoning and that whatever she was reacting to was causing bloating. It had been Cristina who had suggested she take a pregnancy test after a week of finding her retching in the bathroom between rounds multiple times a day. Looking back, it made since that she'd been so sick, mothers carrying twins often had more severe morning sickness, but at the time she'd been scared and confused.

Her whole pregnancy had been scary, especially the day she had found out it was twins.

" _Meredith Grey?" Meredith looked up from her hands, which had been gripping her book so tightly that her knuckles were white. She hadn't even opened it. She stood up shakily and followed her doctor into a room._

 _It was painted rather brightly, and there were tons of posters on the wall of various stages of fetal development. The doctor gestured to the table and asked Meredith to sit down. She stumbled a little, but managed to sit down without actually falling. For the first time in a while, she wished she wasn't all alone. If she'd stayed in Seattle, Izzie would have come with her, maybe even Derek. She pushed the thought away. She was not going to think about Derek right now._

" _You're here today for a 14-week scan, is that correct?" Meredith nodded, her head a little bit fuzzy. She hadn't slept well and she'd had horrible morning sickness earlier that she still hadn't quite shaken. "Have you been in for a scan yet?" Meredith shook her head. In between trying to keep up with her new job at Mass General and spending her time sleeping next to the toilet, she'd had a hard time finding somewhere to get the ultrasound done. It had been even harder to find an appointment time that worked. "Have you been taking prenatal vitamins?"_

" _I've been, uh, I've been taking samples until I could get in," she admitted. She watched nervously as the ultrasound technician set up the equipment, pulling up her shirt a little to allow the technician to pour the gel onto her bare skin. It was surreal. She'd spent hours starting at herself in the mirror, trying to gauge how much bigger she looked each day, but it all become more real when she felt the cool gel. She squirmed a little uncomfortably._

" _So, we're going to find the baby first, and then you'll be able to hear the heartbeat," she informed her. Meredith was shaking a little. She was going to see her baby now; it was all about to become real. As soon as the screen flicked on, she paled._

" _There's two babies in there," she said, beginning to panic. "Oh my God, there's two." She couldn't do anything but just stare at the screen in shock for a moment, before another, more important thought came to her._

" _Are they okay in there? Do they look healthy?" She was frantic, panicked, looking wide eyed at the doctor. She didn't know too much about reading prenatal ultrasounds. She had seen ultrasounds before in pre-op to assess risks and complications, but she'd been told whether or not those ultrasounds were abnormal._

" _Ms. Grey, they look healthy, about 14 weeks, like you guessed, but I'm going to have to refer you to a specialist. They share a placenta, and that always increases the risk of complications including…"_

" _Twin to twin transfusion syndrome," Meredith interrupted, voice almost a whisper. "They look about the same size to you though, right? I think they do but I'm panicking right now and I don't trust myself." The doctor was still moving around, looking for something, though Meredith didn't know what._

" _I don't see a membrane separating the fetuses, so I'm going to need you to see a specialist within the week. I can give you a few names for specialists in the area, but Ms. Grey, you have to schedule an appointment right when you leave. They may find a membrane, and I hope they do, because monoamniotic twins are very high risk. Even with the help of a specialist, there is still a fairly high chance that they won't survive to term."_

" _What do you mean there's a high chance they won't survive to term?" Meredith asked, her voice breaking. She couldn't not cry. Nothing she did was going to stop it. She just curled up and completely broke down, because her babies could die. There was a high chance that they could die and then she'd been in Boston all alone in an apartment full of all of the baby supplies she'd been stocking up on._

" _With biweekly monitoring before 24 weeks, followed by admission into a hospital for 24-hour care, there's about a fifty percent fetal mortality rate. I can't one hundred percent confirm they are monoamniotic, and I'm not trying to scare you, but this is information to need to know."_

" _Can I at least hear their heartbeats? If they might…if they might die can I at least hear them now?" Meredith asked desperately. The doctor nodded, put something in place and then she could hear them. Two heartbeats, a familiar and comforting wub wub wub that managed to calm her down just a little. They sounded strong._

" _I need to number to the best specialist in the state. I'm going to do whatever I need to to have these babies alive."_

The rumble of the plane alerted Meredith to the fact they were likely taxiing before take-off. She looked over at her boys. Evan was leaning back, trying to look out the window and see around his twin brother, who seemed considerably less impressed.

"Mommy, I want to go back to the airport. I don't like this airplane I think it's broken!" Zach was crying and Meredith took his hand tightly. The plane stopped, obviously waiting in line for the runway to clear. She quickly got the boys to switch seats and buckled them back in, so Evan could see and she could comfort her little boy. She put an arm around him and kissed his head.

"It's going to be a little loud for a while, and the plane is going to shake a little when it takes off, but once we get in the sky you'll be just fine okay?" She pulled out a stick of gum, giving one to Evan. "Chew this okay? Keep chewing, it'll help you feel a bit better once the plane starts to pressurize." She hoped it would help his ears pop less. Zach squeezed her hand tightly when the plane jolted under them and began to speed down the run way. He began to cry louder and Meredith knew people were staring, but she didn't care.

"Shhh, hey, it's okay Zach. I've got you. Nothing bad is going to happen to you. You're safe, and you're loved," she whispered to him, rubbing his back gently. She grabbed an airsick bag with her free hand and handed it to him. "Zach, I'm going to hold this up to your face okay? When I do that I want to breathe in and out when I do." Zach nodded quickly and Meredith held the bag up for him, taking slow deep breaths for him to follow. He followed along for two, but then the plane lifted off and he began to breathe too quickly again. He was choking on his own breaths. Meredith patted his back.

"Zach, come on. You need to breathe with me. I'm going to count to three okay? One, two, three." Zach was able to follow her breathing and she could see him begin to relax before she could hear him trying to speak through the bag. She took it away from his mouth and he looked up at her helplessly.

"My ears hurt," he whimpered. Meredith gave him a piece of gum as well, now that his breathing had stabilized. She told tell Evan was having the same problem due to his expression.

"Keeping chewing, it'll help your ears," she told them. She hated seeing them in pain. Evan's eyebrow was furrowed and his hands were clamped over his ears tightly. She rubbed his shoulder comfortingly.

Luckily, as the flight went on, the boys grew a little more accustomed to the change in air pressure. By the time the snack cart came around, even Zach had forgotten his earlier reservations in favor of being able to get a little glass of Sprite and some pretzels. The only problem was, after about three hours, by which time Meredith had cut them off of their endless flow of Sprite, they started to ask for water out of boredom.

They would ask for a refill every half an hour when the cart came around again, and soon Meredith was apologizing to every single person they jostled on their trips to the bathroom, and there were a lot of them. Zach would tell her he had to go, and she wasn't going to leave Evan alone, so she'd bring them both to the bathroom. Evan would claim he didn't have to go, so they'd go back to their seats and five minutes later, Evan would decide he had to go after all.

Luckily, after about four and a half hours, they both fell asleep while watching on inflight movie. Unluckily, Meredith realized she needed to use the bathroom and she had to wake them back up so they could all go together.

Zach had freaked out again during the landing, and she'd had to make him spit out his gum so he wouldn't choke on it while she helped him ride out his panic attack. So by the time they finally made it off the plane and to the baggage check, Meredith was exhausted. Even the boys were drooping a little. The moving truck wasn't going to be there for another three days, so she was going to have to share her bed with the twins until she got some bedding for Alex's old bed. She'd done this before, especially during storms, but she knew that all three of them snored, and it wasn't going to be pleasant. Zach was a kicker and Evan was a blanket hog.

They made their way to the car bay, and there was Alex. Izzie was next to him, and George was there too. Meredith didn't even stop to wonder how they had all managed to be there at once, but she was too grateful to care. She rushed up to her friends, Zach and Evan shyly holding onto her hands. She hugged all three of them tightly, then smiled brightly.

"Alex, George and Izzie, meet Zachary and Evan Grey," Meredith said breathlessly.

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 **And thus the Greys are back in Seattle. The positive response IDNNAH has been receiving is amazing to me, and it never ceases to make me smile when a get an email notification that someone has followed, favorited, or reviewed my latest chapter. I would defiantly appreciate any comments, positive, constructive or otherwise!  
**

 **\+ Special shout-out to Jackiiiieeee111, Pat, Kate and Patsy for reviewing _both_ of the previous chapters.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello all! My schedule is ramping up as the semester goes on, so I can't promise weekly updates if I want to keep my quality at least fairly consistent. I'm not going to release anything I'm not satisfied with.**

 **I have been asked several times about Meredith's illness in the first two chapters and whether or not that is being to be a big part in the story. The answer is sort of.  
**

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Meredith woke up on Monday morning before 3am to a kick to the chin. She groaned softly and forced her eyes open, and sure enough Zach was lying the wrong way across the bed. His foot was right next to her head and his pajama top was on inside out. She could hear Evan snoring loudly on her other side and once again wondered how she could fall asleep on the left side and wake up in the middle.

She had ordered a set of bunk beds for the boys, as she didn't have any extra beds in the house. They were supposed to come that night, which she was grateful for. Her boys were getting to be too big and too loud to share a bed with both of them at the same time. They almost always got sick at the same time, and when that happened, she always let them sleep in her bed. She remembered being a kid and just wanting to lie on her mom when she was sick. Of course, she realized pretty quickly that Ellis Grey was not that kind of mom. It made her even more determined to be that kind of mom for her kids. Ellis Grey's life had been all about surgery. There hadn't been any room for Meredith in that equation, and yet somehow Meredith Grey's life was all about surgery, yet always all about Zach and Evan.

So, even now, when she was up hours before she had to get ready for her first day back at Seattle Grace due to a kick to the face, she felt lucky that they were here. She slowly climbed out from in-between them. She would let them sleep for as long as possible. They were on winter break from school for the next two weeks, at which time they would start at their new school. She'd spent a lot of time before they left Boston trying to figure out what she'd do with the twins on days she had to work.

Meredith had taken the first two days they were in Seattle to show them the city, just as she'd promised. They'd gone to parks, museums, skating rinks, and everything in between. She hadn't remembered being happier in a long time. George had taken off Friday off, and he'd gone with the Greys to the children's museum, which wasn't too interesting to either George nor Meredith, but it gave them a chance to catch up while the boys had fun. Izzie had gotten Saturday off, and they'd taken the boys to go sledding. She'd gotten to catch up with her friend in between helping the boys haul their sled up a steep hill. They'd then gone out for lunch, and Evan had ordered ice cream. Izzie had been confused at this, and the ensuing conversation had Meredith in stiches. On Sunday, Alex was off, and they took the kids to an indoor trampoline park. Alex was a huge kid about it, and watching Zach and Evan try to tag team Alex in an inflatable boxing match had been really something. Even when Meredith joined in at the boys' side, they had nothing on Alex.

Meredith didn't think she'd played around like a child all weekend in her entire life, and she loved it, but she loved surgery too. She would get at least one day a week completely off as part of her agreement, a Saturday or Sunday if possible. Webber seemed to just understand that Meredith was doing everything in her power to not be like her mother. She felt a little guilty about using his guilt about her childhood to her advantage, but it was for a good cause.

She'd pulled a photo her sons out of her wallet to show him. "They have your eyes," he'd told her, smiling at the photo for a moment, before his face twisted into concern. "But you know who they really look like?" Meredith paled. "They look like my head of Neuro." She'd tried to deny it but he hadn't bought it.

"I suppose it's really none of my business," he'd conceded after several tense moments. Meredith had made a mental note not to ever leave her wallet lying around when she was at work.

As for the boys she'd signed them up for a week long day camp at the children's museum they'd gone to to keep them occupied before school started back up. The hours fit her schedule fairly well, and when they didn't line up Izzie or Alex were going to be able to pick the boys up or drop them off.

Meredith sat down at the kitchen table with some toast and coffee for the first time in forever and it felt wonderful. No more rushing to get things together in the morning, because now she had a day off to prep lunches and make sure the boys put on clean clothes the first time. She had all of her things together, and even though she hadn't really slept, she felt less tired then she had since she'd found out she was pregnant seven years ago.

"Meredith! Oh my god you actually showed up!" Meredith was ripped out of her thoughts by the voice she recognized so well, even though she hadn't seen her since she visited Boston several years ago.

"Cristina!" Meredith whispered loudly, "I love you and you're my person but it's not even 4am yet!" Cristina took the chair opposite Meredith anyway, grabbing the half-eaten piece of toast off of Meredith's plate and taking a bite. She eyed the box of photos Meredith had left on the counter, ones that had been hanging up at their apartment back in Boston but she hadn't had time to put up yet. Cristina got up and grabbed the box, bringing it back to the table and looking inside.

"You are getting your stray slobbery toast crumbs on my family memories," Meredith joked, pulling the box away. Cristina swallowed the toast and grabbed the box back.

"Okay fine, I swallowed. Do you need me to open my mouth and go 'ahh' for you too?" Cristina asked, before pulling out a framed copy of Evan's first grade school photo. She looked from the photo, to Meredith, to the photo again. "Which one is this one?"

"That's Ev. Cute isn't he?"

"Meredith, I don't know if you have noticed but this McChild looks exactly like your other McChild, and they both look exactly like McDreamy." Cristina pulled out Zach's school photo as well and held them both up to show her.

"They don't look exactly alike and they have my eyes," Meredith replied, getting up to make herself a new piece of toast the replace the slice that Cristina had stolen. She put in an extra piece, just in case Cristina tried to take it again.

"They're identical twins Meredith, you are aware of that, correct?" Cristina asked, still looking between the photos, trying to pick out any differences at all.

"There are little differences. A lot of them. Just remember that Evan is missing a front tooth, because both of them hate it when you call them by the wrong name." Meredith pulled the toast out of the toaster, and put the extra piece on a plate and pushed it towards Cristina. "Maybe it's a mom thing. I could just always tell them apart."

"See, this is why I don't want kids," Cristina said through a mouthful of toast, "I don't want the creepy mommy senses." Meredith laughed.

"I didn't want kids either, but now that I have them I'm glad I do. Having someone in your life that thinks you're awesome no matter what you do is really helpful after losing patients or just shitty days in general," she remarked, smiling fondly at the photos on the table.

"I have alcohol for that. Alcohol makes all the bad things go away and you don't have to change it, feed it, or wake up in the middle of the night because it's crying." Cristina finished her toast and went off in search for something to wash it down with.

Meredith and Cristina were able to catch up fairly effectively in the hour and a half before Meredith had to go upstairs and wake up the twins. Evan was half on the floor and Zach was stretched out over as much of the bed's surface area as his little body could cover. They were both snoring loudly and Cristina snickered.

"You're right they're just like you. At least when you're asleep. Snoring, drooling, and awkwardly positioned!" Meredith smacked Cristina's arm in faux anger before going into the bedroom and shaking both boys awake. She somehow managed to get them both dressed, feed, and into Cristina's car on time. She still had to go and find time to get herself a car that wasn't a rental. The boys excitedly looked out the windows at all of the new sights to see, and Evan excitedly pointed out that there was a ferry boat on the water.

"If you want to take the ferry, we can do that. Less driving time for me," Cristina remarked. The boys excited agreed and not twenty minutes later the Grey twins were on their first ferry boat ride.

"We can get out of the car and look at the water if you want to," Meredith told the boys. Cristina decided to stay in the car, but Meredith helped the boys out of their booster seats and held their hands as they walked out to the boat deck. Their curls blew right back over Zach's eyes and he kept pushing them away so he could see. Evan held on tightly to his Red Sox hat so it wouldn't fall off as he peered in between the slats of the railing to the water below.

"I bet the water here is a zillion feet deep!" Zach proclaimed excitedly as he looked all around the boat deck. Evan grinned.

"Maybe there's buried treasure at the very bottom so deep that the submarines can't get it!" Meredith smiled brightly at the sight before her. She must have made the right choice. Her boys seemed happier, and even though they were bundled up against the cold she could still see the glee and wonder in their eyes at experiencing their first boat ride. As the boat approached the shore however, they hurried back to the car.

Neither Zach nor Evan were too torn up about having to say goodbye to their mother and Cristina as they ran into the reception area of the day camp. They'd been excited for the camp since Meredith had told them about it. Meredith shoved their lunches in their cubbies and hugged them both goodbye before verifying the directors had her cell and pager numbers, just in case.

"Oh my god Mer, you've turned into such a mommy," Cristina teased as they turned into the hospital parking lot. "'Oh, and you have my number right? Don't hesitate to call if they need me!'" Cristina said in a mockery of Meredith's voice. Meredith made a face.

"I'm a surgeon Cristina, I have seen a lot of kids come in with a lot of injuries. I'm just making sure if Zach breaks his arm while trying to climb something he shouldn't be; they have my number."

"Oh the joys of motherhood," Cristina cackled as she got out of the car. Meredith stepped out and was instantly hit with a wall of déjà vu. There was the hospital. It was exactly the same as it had been, except the trees were a little bigger and it looked like the pavement had been replaced in several areas.

"Cristina," Meredith said, face nearly white. She was gripping the hem of her scrub top tightly and worrying at the frayed edge. "I don't know if I can go in there."

"Didn't you meet with Webber here like two days ago?" Cristina asked, grabbing Meredith's arm to begin dragging her towards the building. Cristina was surprisingly strong for someone so thin.

"Yes, but I was wearing a hat, and gloves and a jacket so no one would know it was me, and it was…it was Derek's day off," Meredith admitted. Cristina looked at her incredulously.

"You wore a disguise to go to the hospital?" Meredith nodded sheepishly. Cristina just kept forcing her towards the building. "That was really weird, and kind of creepy, but none of it matters now because you can't treat patients in a trench coat and a Groucho Marx glasses." Meredith scoffed.

"I said I wore a jacket, not a disguise," she mumbled defensively, pulling her arm away from Cristina. She could walk herself. It was still early enough in the morning that it was at least semi-peaceful outside, at least if you ignored the ambulance sirens in the distance. Meredith let out a sigh of relief as she entered the hospital without any fanfare at all. She didn't know why she'd been expecting to be swarmed, and it felt a little silly now.

Meredith tried to open her old locker out of habit, but Cristina tapped on her shoulder. "That locker belongs to someone else now. Her name is actually Grey too." Meredith didn't really care what the other doctor's name was as she tried to remember which locker was hers now. Luckily there was another locker, second from the left, with "Dr. Grey" printed on it. Someone had added the word "other" in pen over her name, and yet another person had crossed it out. Meredith set her bag in her locker and started to pull her shirt up over her head.

"Holy crap Meredith. Were you stabbed?" Cristina asked loudly. Meredith quickly pulled her shirt back down, looking around to make sure no one else had entered the room.

"I had a C," she explained, turning around to face the wall so she could change into her scrub top in peace. She should have just changed at home, and she would have, but the boys had been running late and Cristina was guarding the door for her. She grabbed a ponytail holder and began pulling her hair back as Cristina moved away from the door.

"That is the nastiest C scar I've ever seen in my life! Did a group of medical students preform the thing?" Meredith pulled her top down even further.

"I really don't want to talk about it," Meredith said lamely. It wasn't a good or happy story. It was scary, traumatic, and something she defiantly didn't ever want to revisit.

" _Ms. Grey, after viewing your ultrasound I really think it's best if we perform a caesarean within the next few hours. Baby A is getting a little too close to Baby B's cord for comfort, and it's my professional opinion that it would be best to get them out of there just in case. You are 36 weeks, which is about as long as we can wait given the circumstances." Meredith knew this by now. She'd been on bedrest for weeks and she'd had all day to worry and research._

" _Are they ready for them in the NICU? You called in the specialist? I just-I need to make sure that they'll be taken care of properly." Meredith felt sick with worry. She knew logically that babies born at 34 weeks normally didn't spend more than a few weeks in the NICU, if that, but if something bad was going to happen, it was going to happen to her._

" _Everything is in place. You'll be awake through the surgery, so you'll be fine to give direct orders." Meredith was a little put off by this statement. She wasn't giving orders; she was just worrying. "I just wanted to ask if there was anyone you wanted to call? It's often helpful for a new mother to have a support system."_

" _No," Meredith said quickly. "I'm fine. I can handle this myself." The doctor had looked at her sadly, which Meredith tried to be annoyed by to keep the fear at bay. She was told that a team would be back to prep her for surgery at 10am, and then Meredith was alone again._

 _She closed her eyes tightly and tried to focus on breathing deeply, but she couldn't ignore the fear slowly beginning to bubble up. She was having surgery in two hours, and she'd be awake for it. She'd be awake and alone and if somehow something went wrong and her babies didn't make it…she wasn't sure if she could come back from that._

 _She couldn't breathe. Just thinking about that possibility made her chest hurt. Izzie and George weren't there to tell her she'd be okay. Cristina and Alex weren't there to tell her to snap out of it. Derek wasn't there to rub her back soothingly and make her breathe into a paper bag. She'd never felt so alone in her life, but at least no one was there to watch her as she completely broke down._

"I-I mean, it was just a C. It was just as boring as any other C." Cristina looked at her dubiously, but didn't press the issue. Meredith could only hold things in for so long before they all came out in a spectacular shit show. She would find out about it sooner or later, she always did.

"Well, you did a good job losing the baby weight" Cristina remarked, trying to lighten the mood a little. Meredith grinned.

"I wish I could tell you I went jogging and ate salads, but honestly I just ran around the hospital and ate cold pizza," she admitted.

"I hope you don't feed your kids cold pizza for breakfast on mornings when no one's around. It's never good to pass your vices onto young impressionable children." Cristina pushed her locker closed and fiddled with the lock until it clicked.

"Oh don't worry, I keep my shitty diet to myself…" Meredith trailed off as the door to the locker room opened, and the familiar form of a neurosurgeon entered the room.

* * *

 **Boom and there's your cliff hanger. As always, your feedback is appreciated, and really motivates me to keep writing. I love the reviewers' predictions as to where I'm going with this as it's fun to see who gets it right.**

 **Much love, A**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

 **Hello all, sorry for the wait, but I had to spend a lot of extra time on my mid-term studying to make sure I can ace these tests. You don't get into med-school with Bs after all! This chapter is a little heavy, as it involves the death of a young patient, so if that is something that may really bother you, maybe skip this one. Thank you all for being so patient and for all of the support! It makes my day to see all of the positive comments, follows, and favorites and really motivates me!**

Derek Shepherd didn't look that much older than he had the last time Meredith had seen him. His hair was out of place, for once, like he'd recently taken off a scrub cap. The less kept look made his hair look alarmingly like her sons'. Her boys hadn't ever touched hair products, and the way Zach's hair always brushed down over his left eyebrow was mirrored in Derek's face. She'd known they looked like him, but now seeing him in the flesh once again, the resemblance was uncanny. She knew she had to stop staring but she was completely frozen.

"Meredith?" He was looking at her and she couldn't breathe. His brow was furrow in confusion, but there was something else in his face that she couldn't read. She felt something pinch her arm, but she could tear her eyes away from Derek Shepherd and his stupid facial expressions. She had to get away from him and the sad eyes he was making at her. He had no right to look like that, like he was so damn devastated that she had taken back her old job.

"Hey Mere? You're going to be late, we should probably go," Cristina said pointedly. Meredith jumped at the opportunity, finally unfreezing as she followed her dark haired friend swiftly out of the room.

"The residents don't suck too bad right? It's bad enough to have to work under all of my friends, but it'll be worse if my new co-workers are just as dark and twisty as I was as a resident. I can handle myself just fine and all but I don't think I can handle even more mess," Meredith said awkwardly, trying to shift the conversation topic from Derek before it even started. Cristina seemed grateful for this, and snorted.

"Residents don't know anything. They're all bitchy and annoying and want to help with surgeries that I don't need a resident on. Which is all of them, because hello, I'm a cardio goddess!" Meredith rolled her eyes and walked off to go and find the other 5th year residents. She was on the verge of being late and all she wanted was a distraction from stupid Derek and his stupid Derek look. As for the residents, she was likely going to be older than most of, if not all of the residents, and probably more mature as well. She couldn't go out drinking anymore like she had as a younger resident on any night she wanted. She was a mom and getting drunk meant hiring a babysitter and calling cabs and dealing with twins during bad hangovers. Not to say she never did this, because she did, just not as often as she had before. She couldn't actually remember in detail the last time she'd been drunk. It had been at least two years ago. There was only so much tequila she could drink if she wanted to have a bearable hangover, and for someone as small as she was, it wasn't very much at all.

Meredith followed the group through pre-rounds. She felt really stupid not being able to present on any patients, but she wasn't yet assigned to any patients. "Mr. Dupree, 37, successful removal of a bullet. We're watching for signs of post-op pneumonia…." The intern speaking seemed extremely energetic for being up so early in the morning. She probably wasn't kept awake all night by two loudly snoring little boys. Meredith let her mind wander back to her meeting with Dr. Webber. She'd be getting interns in two weeks, once he'd made her she was settled in enough to remember all of the hospital procedures and prove she'd learn enough at Mass General to warrant being able to have her own interns. Until then, she'd just be assigned to any cases she was needed on.

When she approached the chief resident about her assignment, she realized that it wasn't someone she knew. She was thin, dark-haired, and smiling so wide it kind of freaked Meredith out. "Oh, you must be the new resident! You're Meredith Grey right? Funny story, my name is also Dr. Grey! Well, my first name isn't Meredith, it's Lexi, but still, it's pretty awesome!" The dark-haired Dr. Grey looked really nervous. Meredith wondered if she was new to being chief resident.

"That is interesting," Meredith said politely. She knew it was petty and childish but she was slightly irritated that the woman before her was the doctor who took her old locker. She wondered if maybe having children was turning her into one.

Dr. Lexi Grey pulled out her clipboard and began shuffling quickly through some papers. "I read that you're interested in General Surgery, so I thought that putting you on with Bailey would be good, but she requested Dr. Nowland. So I put you on peds with Dr. Karev." Meredith breathed out a sigh of relief. She had never spent much time in peds, but she knew quite a bit more than she used to after reading up on childhood diseases and treatments just in case. Peds was useful, and she would have no problems working with Alex.

Meredith thanked Lexi and quickly walked off to the elevators. She pressed the up area in and watched it as it began to glow orange. She looked up when the elevator dinged and briefly caught a glimpse of the single person standing in the elevator. It struck her again just how much her boys looked like him. For a moment, she stared once again into the face of Derek Shepherd, then she turned around and bolted for the stairs before he could even register what had happened.

Alex looked Meredith up and down, taking note of her heavy breathing and damp face. "Did you just run a marathon to get here? Come on Grey, I know I'm great and all, but I'll be here all day." Meredith glared at his stupid smirking face. It wasn't her fault that she wasn't in great shape. She had two kids and was a surgeon. She had no time to go to the gym, and no desire to eat only kale.

"Shut up Alex, I was being healthy and taking the stairs," she hissed. Alex kept snickering while Meredith wiped her forehead with a tissue.

"Whatever you say Mer," Alex winked. "We're actually pretty s-l-o-w right now, so prepare for a crazy afternoon. You know how that always works. Hey, I was wondering, do those weird mommy instincts work on all kids or just yours?" Meredith just rolled her eyes at him. It's not like she could argue. Her "weird mommy instincts" freaked her out at first too. She had had a hard time explaining to the daycare providers back in Boston how to tell the twins apart, because she just _knew_ who was who.

Alex didn't really have any surgeries scheduled until 1pm, so most of the morning was made up of consults. As a resident, she wasn't really the one any of the parents were there to consult with, but she tended to agree with Alex and the courses of action he suggested in each case, reinforcing her belief that she wasn't at all rusty, even if she was just a bit behind.

Meredith felt her pocket buzz halfway through a consult with a family, an oncologist, and Alex, and quickly left the room, checking her pager before rushing down to the pit. As soon as she arrived a chart was handed off to her. "12-year-old-female, burst appendix, all of the attendings are already in surgery…" Meredith quickly looked over the chart. Time was of the essence.

"I need an OR! Somebody get me an OR!" Meredith called out.

"OR 3 is available," a younger resident chimed in. The man was likely in one of his first two years.

"Okay, then scrub in, let's move!" Meredith and the resident, a younger man she didn't recognize, grabbed the gurney and began their mad dash to the OR. "Get a team to meet me in OR 3," she barked to a few interns that had been standing around. "And call the code!"

Meredith opened up the patient to a complete mess of puss and infected tissue. For a moment she wasn't even sure where to start, but as she began to drain the pus from the area she had a clearer area to work with. After removing the larger piece of the appendix, and tying off the stump, she began to fish out other small pieces of the appendix that had been scattered when it burst. She was just about done when the door to the operating room opened and Dr. Bailey came rushing into the OR.

"Grey, I'll finish up here, they need you in the pit again," Meredith stared at her from over her surgical mask. This was her surgery and she was perfectly qualified to finish it. She didn't need to be a damn attending to perform an appendectomy. She'd done hundreds of them. "Grey, they asked for you specifically, I know you could have finished this on your own." Meredith nodded and let Dr. Bailey take over. It was probably Alex with a patient he wanted her help with. She scrubbed out quickly and grabbed her pager, then jogged down to the pit and looked around for Alex, but he wasn't there yet.

She was handed off a chart and she quickly scanned over it. _Parker Coulson, age seven, car accident._ She hurried to the bed indicated, but she almost couldn't see the boy between all of the nurses and first responders surrounding him. She had to push a little to get to the bed, but once she did she almost wished she hadn't. He was hooked up to so many tubes and machines she could barely see him, but what she could see reminded her of her own children. He looked a little like her boys, but he was the same age, and there was a bloodied, torn, Boston Red Sox hat forgotten on the floor, just like the one Evan always wore. She immediately jumped into action. The nurses had been trying to stop severe bleeding from somewhere in his abdomen, which had shards of glass protruding from it grotesquely. He was flushed white and looked as if he were dead, but he was conscious.

"Doctor can you tell my mommy that I love her please," he croaked, so softly that Meredith almost didn't hear him. There was blood trickling from his nose and mouth when she looked up at him. Meredith didn't stop working on him, ordering all kinds of drugs and furiously trying to stop the bleeding from his abdomen. "I'm really scared."

"I will, but you're going to be okay Parker," Meredith said softly, as she continued trying to pack the wound so he could be stabilized enough to take him into surgery. "It's okay to be scared."

"Why is my head underwater?" He asked, his eyes were beginning to glaze over and Meredith tried desperately to get the bleeding under control. She looked up and realized that there was fresh blood covering his pillow. After bracing his little neck, the team turned him over slightly to look at the back of his head. The scalp was torn away and a large chuck of pavement was lodged in his skull. Meredith moved to try and stop the bleeding in his head, ordering antibiotics to be introduced into his system to prevent infection.

"It's just a cut, you're just fine," Meredith whispered, before she heard a long tone indicating a flat line. "Get me an MED, and push one of epi!" She grabbed the paddles and held them to the boy's chest. "Charge to 200! Clear!" Meredith listened desperately for any change on the monitor, but after several seconds, there was no response. "Charge again! Clear!" Once again nothing. "Charge again, to 360! Clear." The shock was strong enough to cause the boy's body to shake, but still no response. Meredith leaned down to listen for a pulse, but still couldn't find one. "Charge again!"

"Meredith, he's gone, you need to call it," said a voice behind her. She knew it was Alex, he must have finally shown up. "He's been gone too long, and his injuries are too severe!" Meredith didn't even look up at him.

"Charge again to 360," she ordered again. No one moved to help, so she reached over to do it herself, and she shocked Parker again. Nothing. Again. Nothing. Again. As she was reaching to charge for a seventh time, Alex grabbed her arm to stop her.

"Time of death, 1:36pm," he called out as he tried to take the paddles out of Meredith's hands. She let them go willingly, too focused on the body of the little boy she only just met to put up a fight, and leaned down to pick up the hat from the floor, setting it on top of the boy's head. She then turned around a left, pale and silent, not even registering Alex calling after her as she walked briskly into a supply closet, slipping away just as quickly as she entered. She couldn't breathe, she couldn't get the picture of the boy's face out of her face. She'd laid that cap over his head and she had seen her son laying there on that gurney, cold and dead and bloody. She sat down on the floor grabbing her knees tightly as she tried to calm her breathing. _It wasn't Zach_. _It wasn't' Evan_. Her boys were safe, she tried to reason, but Parker Coulson was just eight and he'd just died in under an hour and she couldn't breathe.

"Derek, stay out of this. You don't even know her anymore." She could hear Alex's voice through the door, hazy and non-distinct, in the back of her consciousness. The blood rush in her ears was something she couldn't ignore, she was hyperaware of everything and she couldn't breathe.

"This happened once before. I can get her through it," Derek insisted. The door handle twisted. Meredith wanted to hold it closed but she couldn't move because she couldn't breathe.

"She doesn't need you to get her through it! You cause problems. That's it. Piss off Shepherd," Alex snapped. Meredith grabbed a puke bag and tried to breathe into it, just she done with Zach several times before. When she finally felt herself calming back down, she listened again. Was Derek still out there or had he left? She slowly stepped out and looked left, then turned right.

"Meredith Grey?" Meredith turned around to look before she could even decide whether or not it was a good idea. She knew that voice. Sure enough, Dr. Montgomery Shepherd had stopped just inches short of running into Meredith. She looked exactly how Meredith remembered her, like she hadn't aged a day.

"Uh, hi Dr. Montgomery Shepherd," Meredith said awkwardly. She had to resist the urge to fake a page and run away. She and Addison weren't exactly friends by any stretch of the imagination, but she didn't hate the woman, and it would be rude to just ignore her.

"It's Dr. Montgomery now. I'm happily divorced," Addison remarked absently. "Nurse Shepherd gets a little weird when people call me Shepherd." Meredith was suddenly very confused. Cristina had told her that Derek and Addison were still together. Why the hell would Cristina lie about something there was no point in lying about? And who was Nurse Shepherd?

"Oh I didn't know," Meredith replied apologetically. Addison had plenty of reasons to dislike her already, and now here she was accidently bringing up her ex-husband. Addison smiled a little.

"It's fine. Welcome back to Seattle Grace Dr. Grey. I'd love to stay and chat but I have a surgery in twenty minutes." Meredith stepped out of Addison's way so she could go. She knew she should probably get back to pediatrics with Alex. He'd be worried about her and she had to make sure he knew she was okay. He and Izzie had been a lot of help since she and the twins moved back to Seattle and they last thing she wanted to do was put any more stress on him.

She had to find Parker's mother first. She promised him that he'd send her his love and she had to deliver on that promise. As much as she wanted to send anyone else, she couldn't. She would be best suited for the job. She had been the one to speak with her son. If her sons had given a doctor a message to send, she would want the doctor to give it to her. Meredith took a few shaky breaths and walked off into the waiting room to find Parker's mother.

 **I'm sorry for the over two-week break in between chapters. Midterms are not a pleasant time, especially when you have a lot to do outside of classes as well. If you haven't ever looked at my profile page, I put updates on each chapter's progress up fairly frequently just in case you are interested. This chapter was a lot of foreshadowing, a little bit of an info-dump, and not very action packed, but it was very necessary in building up to the drama to come. After all, this is a Grey's fanfic! Any feedback would be much appreciated, as it really keeps me going!**


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